To Find Love, Follow Your Process.

I was out celebrating a birthday for one of my close friends last week. I hadn’t met most of the people at the gathering in person, only through stories from my friend. Yet the longer we sat, the deeper the conversations got, and of course the topic of finding love came up.

One young lady in the group said that she was “looking for the right person” She had some very specific qualities that were necessary in the person she was looking for, and she was curious as to the best way of finding him.

The consensus from the table was a resounding, “Stop looking!”

You should definitely have a list of the qualities and characteristics that are required for someone you want to date, but this list should be flexible. Lack of some things should be nonstarters, but keep in mind no one is going to check every single box.

As for the searching, all of the couples at the particular table we shared said they met the person they fell in love with, and eventually married for those that were, doing the things they normally do.

Going to work.

Shopping. Legitimately shopping, not a planned trip to find love. I’ll get to that.

Family gatherings.


Hanging out with friends for food and drinks.

So many people meet the person they fall in love with and decide to ultimately spend their lives with doing things as normal.

This of course does not negate dating apps and social media geared meeting tools, as there are people that also use these with some success, but it would make sense to just do the things you would normally do and allow the person you’re supposed to be with to just.. find you.

Plus there are some pretty skiddish dating app stories I’ve heard as well.

At that same birthday dinner, one of the women talked about a prisoner that messaged her on a dating app.

That familiar gray brick in the background of his profile photo triggered the thought.

Further inquiry uncovered that he was in prison.. with some years left on his sentence.

There is so much to unpack there, but I won’t step into that.

I’m trying to keep this read under five minutes.

I know. It sounds really artsy fartsy and counter productive to just sit around and do nothing. There are hints of social media “influencers” and their naked bathroom selfies in a dirty mirror with the caption, “Stop looking for love and it will find you” all over this.

Yet in this case, by doing nothing, you’re allowing the process of falling in love to take it’s own course.

At the end of the night, the friend that I was out celebrating with told me the story of how she and her boyfriend met. She was out bar hopping with her run group and they came to a place that was full, so they ended up standing by the bar waiting on seats. There were several men seated at the bar, and one of them let her sit down, and she ended up next to the person she has now been dating for over a year, and sees a definite future with.

My husband and I met at a monthly concert event in Atlanta. We became cordial from seeing each other every month. The series then ended, and we lost touch, but were reintroduced when I was hosting a monthly show he was interested in performing for. He sent me a message on twitter where we confirmed some information and exchanged numbers. We talked on the phone a week later, and have been together ever since.

When you’re “looking for love” there’s an added layer of hardship you put on yourself. You join social groups you aren’t interested in. You hang around after church services a little longer than your stomach may want to because church usually ends at lunch time. You go to the mall with no intention of shopping.

You overdress to go to Walmart. Then you follow the person you find attractive around the store, picking up things you don’t need.

You end up with $80 worth of items you have no intention of using, and you have to make an extra trip to Walmart to return the items.

Who wants to go to Walmart more than once within 24 hours, on purpose?

Yes, the Walmart adventure is a “looking for love” story I’ve heard before.

Then when you do meet someone and agree to go out, you end up giving the person the third degree on the first date, then you end up being ghosted because the person thinks there’s a small chance you may be the kind of crazy that’s a 15 on a scale of 1–10.

Why put so much stress on yourself, and frighten potential partners in the process?

Sure, love is wonderful and amazing and beautiful, but probably the truest beauty of love is letting it do what it’s going to do. Just let it come to you naturally.

Nothing in life should be forced.

Particularly a ponytail.

I digress…

There’s of course the external pressures to be in a relationship. Couples are all over social media holding hands and showing affection everywhere. They hype up their relationships with cute quotes and smiles, and that sometimes can make single people feel like they’re missing out.

Being jealous of other couples (especially if the said couple’s intent is to make others jealous) shouldn’t take precedent over being patient and living your life in the way you normally would.

Of course you should try new things. Go places you haven’t been before. Take some risks, but do these things with the intent of expanding your horizon. If you do them under the guise of “looking for love”, it takes away from the experience of doing something new.

Should you try to make yourself look presentable when going out in the general public? Of course.

Do you need to dress like it’s prom night when your just going to get eggs?

Can’t the sequin wait?

Hold on.. Is sequin still a thing?


We all deserve love in what ever way we define it. So just follow your process. Don’t overextend yourself or go out of your way only to waste your time.

Love most likely will land in your lap when you’re not even thinking about it.

It may even come while you’re looking for eggs.

Just don’t drop the eggs. If things go right, you’ll have someone else to cook them for.

Writer of life, Actor, Host/Comedian, and Spoken Word Artist. The last great Atlanta native.

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