How I’m Feeling, Whether You Asked Or Not

My emotions are all over the damn place minute to minute.

No exaggeration.

Hopeful. Inspired. Sad. Angered. Anxious.

After about ten minutes or so I’m a wreck.

I have found myself being careful in conversations with friends because I don’t want to emotionally vomit on them.

I’m inspired by all the protests I have seen in person and on social media.

I’m sad for all black families that have had a loved one murdered by the police.

I’m angered that murder is against the law unless you’re a police officer.

I’m anxious about going out to protest myself.

Protesting is dangerous for a few different reasons:

Agitators are being planted at peaceful protests to blame black people for violence.

Police and the National Guard have been apparently told to specifically target black people with rubber bullets and tear gas.

I’m a 6'5 black guy that literally stands above a crowd.

On the night protests started, Atlanta Mayor Keisha Lance Bottoms was part of a press conference where she spoke as a mother. She said that she called her son and told him, “I cannot protect you, and black boys shouldn’t be out tonight.”

That a city mayor would hint at the notion of fearing police violence against her child speaks volumes to the issue we have with police.

Of course protesting has always been a life or death situation — no no.. Let me change that.

Black people protesting has always been a life or death situation for us, but purposeful attempts to set us up as we peacefully protest speaks to a hideous and evil level of action by those that are supposed to serve and protect.

So I’ve just stayed home.

Which I’m supposed to do anyway, because Covfefe-19.

Yes I spelled it right.

So we have police officers that are killing black people disproportionately, and black people are out protesting and risking their lives in the face of said officers and in the face of a virus that is disproportionately killing black people.

See why my mind is busy?

I’m frustrated with white people asking black people, “Why is everything about race?”

Because America made it about race from inception.

The founding fathers said I was not considered a whole person because of my race.

Sure. Race is a social construct, but I can’t social construct my way out of how I’m treated because I am a black man, and the burden of changing that is not on me, it’s on the people who made it about my race from the beginning.

I am inspired by the disbanding of the Minneapolis Police Department. If this is done right and becomes a model for other cities, it could be the beginning of widespread change that black people in this country have been waiting on for… a few hundred years at least.

There are calls to defund and/or demilitarize the police. While I’m excited about those options, I’m frustrated with people turning it into an issue of who is right about what option.

Look, what ever needs to be done to remove the power police have to perform such egregious acts as killing black men and not being convicted is what needs to be done.




What ever “de” it is, just de fuckin do it.

I’m also concerned about authenticity.

First black people in America weren’t a whole person, then we became an amendment, now Roger Goodell and Jeff Bezos are saying “Black Lives Matter”, and Nancy Pelosi along with Chuck Schumer are dawning kente clothes while kneeling in honor of George Floyd.

I don’t want to be a person that is never satisfied but racism in America has rooted doubt of some white people so deeply in me that I can’t tell if they are being sincere, or if speaking out on our behalf has become a fashion statement.

Kente cloths and all.

Here we are with more black men in America dead at the hands of police than you can shake a stick at- or as far as the police are concerned, shoot a bullet at- and just now white people in these kinds of positions are speaking out?

Just now NASCAR is deciding not to fly the Confederate Flag?

Just NOW HBO has decided that “Gone With The Wind” has racist overtones?

With all the negativity that’s happening, I also don’t want to be a downer. I want to believe the new “Justice in Policing Act of 2020” proposed by Democrats will be constructed and implemented in a way that works, and I want to believe that Governor Andrew Cuomo’s push for legislation making it a hate crime to call the police on a person based on race will see the light of day.

A change in laws and policy is what we need. The Eric Garner Anti Chokehold Act passed by the New York Senate and State Assembly making it illegal and punishable for police officers to use a chokehold is a step in the right direction.

It’s a small step though, because even in some states where it is already illegal, officers who still use the measure only get a slap on the hand.

Also, police using a gun to murder is still on the table.

I don’t want to rake every white person over the coals that says “I don’t see color” just like I don’t want to rake every white people over the coals that decides they think wearing a kente cloth honors black people. Both are severely misguided attempts to assuage black people, and I know that some well intended white people can be misguided in their well intendedness, but being misguided doesn’t necessarily point to racism.

Racism points to racism.

White people who stand behind systems and laws that they know are set up to keep black people down are racist.

I want to believe Roger Goodell when he says that he supports black players on the field and black people who suffer at the hands of police brutality.

Yet doubt lingers.

Roger Goodell never mentioned in his statement that he understood Colin Kaepernick’s protest was not about the flag. Hell he never even mentioned Kap’s name, nor did he apologize to Kap specifically for either allowing the league to conspire against him or leading the charge in actions by the NFL that left Kap unemployed.

I appreciate the gestures, but gestures are just that.

Offer Kap a job in the league, with back pay, and then I’ll believe Roger Goodell stands behind his words.

Sure, it may mean the restructure or total abandonment his settlement agreement.

Do it if Kap wants it.

Symbolism won’t cause racism to be spurned in America.

You can remove all the confederate flags and remove all the racist movies, but when that is done, laws are still on the books that allow the racist nature of this county to continue in it’s rage against black people.

Words with no action are hollow.

This is probably more of a rant than anything, but as I’m writing this, we’re fresh off another police murder.

For some reason Atlanta police couldn’t figure out how to apprehend an inebriated man running AWAY from them. So what did they do?

They shot and killed him.

Yeah. I think I’m well within my rights to rant…

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